The Folly Fonion: Folly’s finest source of news*
By David Crawford
Former Mayor Demands Mayor Goodwin Provide Birth Certificate
FOLLY BEACH, SC— A former mayor of Charleston barrier island, Folly Beach, is demanding current Mayor Tim Goodwin prove his citizenship by producing a valid birth certificate. The fight started with a series of bickering sessions over seemingly nothing during the course of several city council sessions, before the former mayor finally submitting a letter to the editor asking for Mayor Goodwin to show his papers. Stay tuned to the Folly Current for any further developments on the matter.
USA Kills Osama Bin Laden, Announces Plans to Bypass 2012 Presidential Election
AMERICA—US Navy Seals raided the mansion where Al Qaeda figurehead Osama Bin Laden was hiding and killed him, nearly 10 years after the terrorist organized the 9/11 World Trade Center attacks. The country released a statement following Bin Laden’s death stating that it is, “not only a victory for our nation, humanity and the world at large, but also for President Barack Obama.” The statement further explained that Congress already voted with a two-thirds majority to bypass the 2012 Presidential Election, citing the pointless nature of its existence in lieu of Bin Laden’s death during Obama’s first term.
Oprah Gives Audience Their Own Oprah
CHICAGO, Ill. —If we’ve learned anything about Oprah during the 25th and final season of The Oprah Winfrey Show, ending on May 25, it’s that she always saves the best for last. The same holds true for what will be the last Oprah’s My Favorite Things episode, an annual hour-long special in which she gives away loads of her ‘favorite things’ to her bleary-eyed, drooling audience of specially-selected fans. Though past gifts have included a new car and an Australian cruise with Oprah herself, none come close to the individually wrapped, cloned Oprah each audience member received near the end of Monday’s taping.
Branded as a ‘HOme-prah’ by the queen of daytime talk herself, the clones are genetically designed to mimic Ms. Winfrey’s moral aptitude and spiritual core. Each clone will also go through dramatic, spontaneous fluctuations in weight, emotions, and the volume of their voice.
Winfrey said the ploy has long been in the planning, all the way back to when she endorsed then-candidate Barack Obama for President on her show. Comparing the situation to a ‘long-con’, she denied supporting President Obama due to race or political affiliation, but rather for his promise to repeal restrictions on the stem cell research that allowed Oprah to create each ‘HOme-prah’.
Local Man Utilizes Lazy Eye While Multitasking
FOLLY BEACH, SC—Area simpleton Alex Hunter finally laid to rest just how a half-witted man gets so much done during the day: utilizing his lazy eye for multitasking.
“Oh yeah, I’ve been doing this for years now. I can read my horoscope and chop onions at the same time…it’s great!” he said, while simultaneously cracking a beer and beating his nephew in paper/rock/scissors.
“I lived in a personal hell with this lazy eye for a long time,” explains Hunter. “Finally I came to the point where something had to give…damn near gouged the thing out. And then one day while driving, I realized I could also start the crossword with my ‘special eye.’ Life’s been a breeze ever since.”
*And if you believe this, then I’ll bet you also think Skittles come from unicorn farts …
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