The Folly Fonion: The best source for Folly news
By David Crawford
Folly Police Set Up ‘Paint the Cop Car’ Attraction On Folly Road
FOLLY BEACH, SC— A recent increase in the number of vehicles in the garages of Folly Beach Public Safety caused Folly Police to set up a ‘Paint the Cop Car’ attraction, similar to the ‘paint the boat’ tradition, right across the bridge on Folly Road. Most residents of Folly Beach voiced frustrations about the empty vehicle, stating the waste of budget on a car simply sitting there as a speed trap. Folly Police have since cleared this up, stating that they wanted to start a Folly tradition akin to the boat painting further up Folly Rd. Another car has been placed at 5th and E. Ashley, though they said only one will remain as the Cop car to paint for years to come.
Influx of Summertime Folly Beachgoers Getting VD in Record Numbers
FOLLY BEACH, SC— A recent study showed that the recent Memorial Day weekend brought a record number of visitors to Charleston barrier island, Folly Beach. Those involved with the study state that a growing trend amongst younger generations is to socialize in the sun, emphasizing the importance of soaking up the Vitamin D (VD) emitting from its rays. This can only mean one thing: as more and more people from afar come and mingle amongst the already growing population of locals, the number of people getting VD from socializing on Folly Beach this summer will increase at an exponential rate. A follow up study is planned for Labor Day weekend.
Folly City Council Postpones Father’s Day
FOLLY BEACH, SC— Bad news to all you Folly fathers waiting for an excuse to get hammered on a Sunday outside of the NFL season: Folly Beach City Council voted to postpone this year’s Father’s Day due to the threat of bad weather. Much like they did with the Sea and Sand Festival in April, Father’s Day will now be held a number of weeks later on Sunday, July 10.
Local Man Sets Sail to Hunt Down Bin Laden
FOLLY BEACH, SC— Local village idiot Alex Hunter, recently ridiculed far and wide for his Letter to the Editor dealing with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s love child, has not dealt with said criticism in the healthiest of fashions. Hunter decided to embark on a sailing trip to hunt down recently-assassinated terrorist Osama Bin Laden after hearing of his sea burial.
“I found myself sittin’ at home, nothing to do but read hate mail in response to my letter to the paper, and saw on the news about Bin Laden going back to sea,” he said, pronouncing the name as ‘Bin Lay-den’. “I knew then what I had to do, so I loaded up my little Hobie Cat with a couple bottles of water, a handle of Fleischmann’s, my cell phone bowling game, some Spam, and this assault rifle. I’m gonna hunt that bastard down…you watch.”
Oklahoma City Thunder Lose In Western Conference Finals, Change Name to Oklahoma City Bombers
OKLAHOMA CITY, OK— Relatively new NBA Franchise Oklahoma City Thunder lost the 2011 Western Conference Finals to the Dallas Mavericks in embarrassing fashion. A spokesman for the team today released a statement revealing plans to overhaul the team’s image, starting by changing their name to the Oklahoma City Bombers.
“After many days of conversation and deliberation, we’ve come to the conclusion that ‘Thunder’ as a name poses no threat as it is technically only the noise that precedes the actual strike,” he said in the statement. “Because of this, the organization has decided to switch to a fiercer name, like the aforementioned ‘Bombers’.”
One-Balled Bald Man Face-Plants on Mountain Bike
FOLLY BEACH, SC— Notes collected from the Folly Beach police blotter state an anonymous man reportedly face-planted on his mountain bike on his ride home Monday night. The reporting officer wrote that he found “the bald, middle-aged male in a ditch on West Indian with a badly swollen nose. He appeared to be extremely intoxicated and didn‘t know where he was, only offering up the information that he ‘wrecked his bike’ and that his ‘one ball is fine’.”
The anonymous one-balled bald man miraculously sustained only a badly broken nose, marked by a single wound where the nose bridges into the forehead. No arms, legs, or hands were scraped. The officer wrote that there was “not a scratch to be found anywhere else on his body or bike, usually consistent with a bike wreck like the one he mumbled about …but he insisted on not filing a police report.”
When asked what he’d done that evening, he stated that he had no idea, only that he pissed somebody off at the Sand Dollar and didn’t know where his money went. Maybe the mountain bike stole it?
*And if you believe this, then I’ll bet you also think that the sky is blue because we’re all actually living in a giant biosphere at the bottom of an alien ocean …
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