The Folly Fonion
By David Crawford
Afghani People Throw “One Last” July 4th Party
AFGHANISTAN—Citizens of Afghanistan rejoiced this past Monday as they celebrated their final July 4th, a holiday marking American independence. After President Barack Obama announced the withdrawal of troops this year, and thus the end of the American nation building project in the Middle East, the Afghani people decided to throw a huge party to mark the last time they’ll have to acknowledge the uniquely American holiday. People all over the country ate hot dogs and watched fireworks light up the Middle Eastern skies one last time. All citizens were asked to tune into the Al-Jazeera network during the firework display for a ceremonial playing of Lynyrd Skynyrd’s ‘Free Bird.’
Democrat Barack Obama To Announce 2012 Election Intentions “Very Soon”
WASHINGTON, DC—White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs reiterated in an interview this afternoon that potential Democratic Presidential candidate and current President of the United States, Barack Obama, will announce his intentions for the 2012 election “very soon”. In a year where the country has seen the Republican ballot fill up with names like Gingrich, Romney, Palin, and Trump relatively early, the media has been badgering the Democrats to start throwing a couple horses in the race. Nobody has yet to declare themselves as running, but it appears as though that may change “very soon.”
Local Man Finally Reaches Horizon, Finds New Horizon
ATLANTIC OCEAN—Area Folly simpleton, Alex Hunter, recently heard about Bin Laden returning to sea and set sail to hunt him down. An anonymous contributor found the following note, written in crayon on construction paper, in an empty bottle of Fleischmann’s vodka in the rocks at the washout 27 days later:
“No idea how long I’ve been out here…still no signs of Bin Laden. Set my sights on the horizon ahead, figuring he may be hiding just over it. Took me over a week to get there but I finally reached it. Didn’t find Osama there…found a new horizon off in the distance. Heading there now. Will report back after I finish the next bottle of vodka.”
Apple CEO Steve Jobs and Pope Benedict XVI Unveil Plans To Release ‘WWJD App’
CUPERTINO, CA— Steve Jobs, founder and CEO of Apple INC, and Pope Benedict XVI, Bishop of Rome and leader of the worldwide Catholic Church, sent shockwaves to the world today as they held a press conference unveiling plans to release a ‘WWJD App’ for all Android and iPhones. Mr. Jobs explained that the pairing would help catapult the Catholic Church into the 21st Century, allowing its patrons access to the church at their fingertips. The Pontiff further stated that the App would give believers everywhere the easiest way yet to figure out exactly what Jesus would do in response to their queries. In a display of just what the App will be like, Mr. Jobs asked the app, ‘What should I have for lunch today, Jesus?’ It responded with, ‘How about 10 Hail Mary’s and a couple Our Fathers?’
Scientists Discover If Jim Belushi’s Last Name Were ‘Smith’ He’d Be Pumping Gas
CAMBRIDGE, MA—A Team of Harvard Scientists released the results of a year long study on the long-term effects of the Middle Eastern oil crisis on American culture. Most shocking, perhaps, is the errant discovery involving oddly beloved American actor, Jim Belushi. The study uncovered indisputable evidence that if Jim Belushi were ‘Jim Smith’ he’d be pumping gas somewhere in Northern Illinois. Mark Delaney, a head scientist involved from the beginning, elaborated on the news in the press release earlier this morning.
“We’re proud to announce today that, although we began the study a year ago with the intention of providing possible solutions to the worldwide oil crisis, other discoveries made can help lay decades-long mysteries to rest. I’m thrilled to be a member of the team that finally answers the question, ‘Why does America love Jim Belushi?’”
The Harvard Scientists made the revelation while probing the intricate details of rising prices at gas pumps nation wide. Delaney likened the find to Alexander Fleming’s accidental discovery in 1928 involving penicillin’s healing properties.
“Although this doesn’t necessarily advance humanity in another direction as penicillin did, solving ‘The Belushi Conundrum’ is equally mind-blowing, if not more so.”
Jim Belushi, famous for roles in ‘K-9’, ‘Mr. Destiny’ and 8 seasons of ‘According to Jim’, declined comment for this piece.
Local Writer Updates Facebook Status Reminding Friends To Read Witty Article He Wrote About Hating How People Constantly Update Their Facebook Status
FOLLY BEACH, SC—Area writer and Folly Current contributor, David Crawford, recently updated his Facebook status reminding his friends to read this article he wrote about how much he hates people constantly updating their Facebook statuses with their mundane ramblings and irrelevant goings-on. Nobody cares when people are at the gas station or buying groceries or watching their dog sleep. Most people have no interest in knowing when someone wakes up or takes a dump or is knee deep in a ‘Jersey Shore’ marathon. He then changed his status back to ‘I have a bellybutton.’
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