The Folly Fonion
By David Crawford
Supreme Court Decision Rules Baptism A Form Of Waterboarding Torture
WASHINGTON, DC— The United States Supreme Court, in the middle of its July meetings to rule on the most recent set of cases, decided yesterday that baptism is a form of waterboarding torture, and from this point on will be illegal and punishable by law. Waterboarding, defined as torture where one forces another under water until they agree to comply with their demands and ideals, has been a controversial hot-button topic in recent years, drawing criticism for its inhumane nature.
Americans took heat for their use of it in Guantanamo Bay. Justice Antonin Scalia spoke from the bench, stating that although baptism — the Christian rite of passage in which one is submersed or anointed in water and ‘welcomed’ into the church — isn’t necessarily used to extract information from a person, it is still used at times to force a set of ideals on a person against their will. For this reason, he said, it is only fair to treat it in the same fashion.
Folly Residents To Be Awarded One ‘Fulligan’ Annually
FOLLY BEACH, SC— Folly Beach Mayor Tim Goodwin announced this morning that all registered residents of the island will receive one (1) Folly Mulligan, or Fulligan, at the beginning of each calendar year. The Fulligan will allow Folly citizens a screw-up of sorts. For example, lets say someone gets too drunk and has to be carried home, cursing out everyone along the way. He/she could use their Fulligan and all judgement would be reserved. It’d be like nothing happened. Or let’s say you walk out of the bar, run into a step and face-plant on the sidewalk, scarring the face for weeks. Use your Fulligan and it all goes away. He further explained that the Fulligan can only be used once and citizens are not allowed to stockpile them if others don’t feel the need to use them.
Locals Decide ‘Missing Man’ Not Actually ‘Missing’ If No One Really Misses Him
FOLLY BEACH, SC— A poll conducted over the 4th of July weekend of area Folly Beach citizens showed that a stunning 82% say a ‘missing man’ is not a ‘missing man’ if nobody actually misses him. Started as a study to see what locals felt about area simpleton, Alex Hunter, setting sail to hunt down Bin Laden over a month and a half ago, the poll results seem to have called into question what it means to really be ‘missing.’ City Council announced all milk carton and telephone pole ads using Mr. Hunter’s likeness inquiring of his whereabouts to be removed immediately.
Even those few close to Hunter seem to corroborate the studies findings. When asked via email correspondence whether or not he thinks Alex should be considered a ‘missing man,’ Andrew Krazny, longtime friend and roommate of Mr. Hunter, replied with the following: ‘Alex left?’
Patrick Swayze Set To Reprise Role in Sequel To ‘Ghost’
HOLLYWOOD, CA— Deceased thespian and cultural icon, Patrick Swayze, gave a press release today announcing his intentions to reprise the role he made famous opposite Demi Moore in a sequel to the blockbuster hit ‘Ghost’. The original film, which made superstars out of Swayze and Moore over 20 years ago, featured Swayze as high profile banker, Sam Wheat. Wheat gets murdered in an alley and must figure out a way to communicate with his old girlfriend, played by Moore. Whoopi Goldberg is set to reprise her role as psychic Oda Mae Brown as well.
No word as to plot details as of yet, though its believed secrets of the script are being held tightly under wrap. The movie will be the first, and likely only, posthumous role for Mr. Swayze.
9/11 To Go On Tour For 10th Anniversary
NEW YORK CITY, NY— 9/11, an internationally infamous date marking the terrorist attacks on the United States, announced at a press conference this morning that it will go on tour to mark its 10th anniversary. The 21-city tour, which will kick off in New York City on 9/11/2011, will feature a different opening act and surprise guests in each venue. 9/11 clarified that this is not a reunion tour, stating they were never broken up but rather simply on a hiatus. Tickets will range from $22.50 to $77.50 plus applicable fees and will go on sale this Saturday.
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