Uhhh… Are We Dating?
By Fay A.
On a recent night while working behind the bar, I overheard some conversations that convinced me it was time to write this column.
Let me set the scene: A girl and guy walk into the bar together, have a seat, order drinks, flirt, giggle, the normal. It’s not crowded by any means, but there are people around, and this pair is social so they quickly strike up a conversation with their neighbors. After some time passes, the guys hop up, one to hit the restroom and the other to smoke a cigarette; of course, as soon as this happens, the ladies get to talking about the men.
The question comes up, “How long have you two been dating?” Girl answers, “Well it’s still pretty new, but about a month now.” None of the rest is relevant but they yada yada for a few more minutes until the men return. A bit later, now that the chicks are new best friends, they hop up to hit the ladies room and continue to talk about the boys; which in turn leaves the men all alone at the bar.
Here is where we come to the point. The guy is then asked the exact same question, “How long have you two been dating?” To which, his response is, “Ohhhh nooo, we aren’t dating, she’s just a friend, nothing more.” I’m almost certain that hearing that would not only have burst her bubble and ruined the rest of her night, but chances are it would have really hurt her feelings also. So this week, we are going to pose the question, “How do you know if you are dating?”
I can’t imagine that it was always so tricky in the world of love and romance, but nowadays there seems to be a lot of confusion surrounding dating. In theory, it seems like such an easy concept, yet when it is applied to people’s real lives the rules become fuzzy. Not only are people left confused, they are often put in rather vulnerable positions also. When I first began to ponder this, I assumed that the different views would be very cut and dry between men and women, and I was quite surprised to find that my hypothesis was far from the truth. Of course, there are the stereotypical sides to every story, but what I found to be one of the biggest lines in the sand came from a difference in age.
“Dating” in the traditional sense, for most, implies the stuff you used to see in ‘80s movies or on television from the ‘60s or ‘70s. Guy asks out girl, guy shows up with flowers, dinner, talking, guy walks girl to door, and maybe if the date went well there is a goodnight kiss. There are so many parts of this story that don’t happen anymore, that it’s no wonder no one has any idea whether or not they are dating.
These days the norm is for two people to mutually agree to get together and “hang out”. And now that everyone has been liberated and sexually awakened, women are much more likely to meet you there, pay their share, and expect more than a peck on the cheek at the end.
So how do you know when you are “dating”? Society has evolved so much in the past decade, with all of the cell phones and Internet relationships, that now it seems the meaning of dating has gotten lost in the mix. When I originally began thinking about this article, I spent about a week surveying others to find out what they thought. I asked one simple open-ended question: “How do you know when you are dating?”
I received quite a wide variety of responses, grouped the good ones into a few basic categories, and now I will share the most common answers. Around 10% of people believe that dating is automatically implied after two people have gone out between three and five times romantically. Somewhere around 30% of people said that “dating” came after “seeing” someone. To clear up the terminology there, you can “see” multiple people at one time, sort of like trying them on to find the one that fits best, but “dating” implies exclusivity. So once all of your romantic gestures and outings are with the same someone, you are then “dating.”
Finally, about 40% of those asked say that two people can only be dating once they have actually had that conversation and jointly come to the conclusion that they would move into that step of their relationship. All very different approaches — it’s no wonder everyone is so lost.
I’m not here to tell anyone what to do or how to interact with the special someone that they fancy, but I will say that it is better to be clear. Open and honest communication is the basis of any good relationship, be it with family, friends, and especially with someone you are involved with romantically. I think those who fell in the last 40% were probably the people with the best chance of seeing their love lives blossom healthily.
If nothing else, it is hands down the best way to save yourself the embarrassment and hurt feelings of finding out that what you thought was happening is not at all what is really going on.
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