The Folly Fonion
By David Crawford
President Obama Installs Mirrors On The Debt Ceiling
WASHINGTON, DC— White House Press Secretary Robert Gates released a statement today announcing President Barack Obama’s decision to install mirrors on the country’s ever-shaky debt ceiling.
“The President made the executive decision this morning to cover the debt ceiling with mirror panels. Utilizing only a miniscule amount of the budget, the 2-year project will also create 1,500 jobs in the process,” he said before elaborating on Obama’s reasoning behind the idea.
“After many months of constantly staring at the debt ceiling, he felt the need to change things up a bit. ‘It needs a bit of flavor, Bob…a dash of spice’ is how he put it. Harkening back to his college days, the President deemed mirrors to be the appropriate ‘spice’ to add.”
It is widely speculated that this will be the largest of its kind ever made, though details on the exact size have not yet been released. Ironically, when finished, the project will force politicians far and wide to look at themselves in the mirror when working on the country’s debt ceiling.
Tiger Woods’ Publicist Says Plan To Morph Golfer’s Image From Wayne Brady To Wilt Chamberlain To Steve Urkel ‘Near Completion’
JACKSON HOLE, FLA— A former publicist for PGA golfer Tiger Woods revealed that everything that’s happened to Woods over the last two years is all part of a plan discussed and put into action starting in early 2009, prior to his infamous Thanksgiving car crash.
“That was the genesis for his transformation,” she said, only agreeing to the interview under the condition of anonymity. “Phase 1, car crash, and the Wayne Brady image is gone. Then he’d enjoy a year of being the Wilt Chamberlain ‘ladies man’ type…the guy who could and would nail anybody. Knowing he could only ride that wave for so long before the public would turn on him, we decided he’d blow out his knee, fire his caddy, change his swing and miss the cut at a major tournament. If done all in one fell swoop, we speculated his consistent failures would bring him to the pitiable Steve Urkel type, all but forcing Americans to fall back in love with him.”
She stated that Woods knew he’d have to change his image when his wife decided to leave, knowing all was about to come crashing down.
“Something had to give. Unfortunately for Tiger, it was his freakishly polite, ’Wayne Brady’ image. This allowed him a way to possibly salvage that down the road.”
She wouldn’t reveal what surprises the final stages of their years-long plan contained.
Local Man Confuses Subtitled Golf For Porn
FOLLY BEACH, SC— Area simpleton Alex Hunter returned home from a months-long failed attempt to hunt down already deceased terrorist Osama Bin Laden. Tired and weary, Hunter decided to spend his first week back on the couch.
“I came home delirious…I needed that couch. But something always has to go wrong. I turned on the TV…the volume was broke and the subtitles were stuck on the screen…no way to get ‘em off. And they weren’t even for the right shows,’ he explained, pointing to his TV while laying on his couch.
“Golf was on and the subtitles were for some porn movie. It was absurd…they were saying things like, ‘Look at him puttin’ from the rough’, ‘Using the long stick on the shaved surface’, ‘He’ll use wood on this hole’, and ‘His command over his ball and club is like poetry in motion’. I couldn’t believe it so I called Comcast to make sure they weren’t charging me for it. And if they were I at least wanted to see the damn thing.”
Poll Shows Roughly 12% Of Americans ‘Unaware’ Labor Day Is Monday
SKOKIE, ILL— A recent Gallup poll of all Americans revealed that a striking 12.7% of citizens are ‘unaware’ of Labor Day, a holiday recognizing the country’s workforce, this Monday. Traditionally a holiday celebrated by the entire country, this study’s data hints at a budding change to that trend. Interviews with randomly selected individuals in Citadel Mall seem to support the theory.
“What are you talking about? I had no idea it was more special than any other Monday,” said Stan Delaney, a former longshoreman currently on an indefinite sabbatical.
“Wait, everybody is going to be off work?” asked Linda Lucarelli, on leave from her old job in real estate sales. “I’ve got plans that afternoon. Does this mean everywhere will be flooded with people like on a normal holiday? Are you sure?”
Terrorists Scramble; New York Unsure If 9/11 Memorial Will Be Destroyable In Time For 10th Anniversary
NEW YORK CITY, NY— The clock is ticking for construction crews to put the finishing touches on the World Trade Center Memorial in time for the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 tragedy next week.
“We’re just not sure if everything will be ready in time,” said a regretful Rudy Giuliani, former mayor of NYC during the attacks. “It’ll be close, and I believe in our guys to get it done, but we’ll see. Only time will tell.”
The memorial’s lack of completion will affect countless Americans craving closure to the horrific attacks. It will also be a huge blow to terrorists everywhere looking to make their mark that day, possibly forcing them to seek out less publicized buildings.
Area Chinese Restaurant Sees Increased Sales After Guaranteeing All Meals In ‘9 Minute’
FOLLY BEACH, SC— China Number 1, a local Asian restaurant, made waves in the egg roll community recently after promising all meals to its patrons in ‘9 minute’.
“We realized we were just telling people they’d get their food in 10 minute for no reason…mindlessly like dragon. Why say ‘10 minute’ when you can get it to them quicker?” said owner Mike Wong.
Wong’s decision to promise meals in 9 minute has increased sales 32% in the last quarter, while other chinese restaurants have seen decreased sales across the board over the same time period. So how long does Wong think it will be before other establishments in town follow suit?
“Ehh, it be about 10 minute.”
Jewish Leaders Announce Launch Date For www.JOOGLE.com
HOLLYWOOD, CA— Rabbi Judah Goldstein announced yesterday afternoon his faith’s plan to launch www.JOOGLE.com, the world’s first secular based search engine. Although it will not be limited to just members of the Jewish religion, it will serve as a reference tool in temples and synagogues around the world. The website moves Judaism into the new millennium and allows it to compete neck and neck with its competition, rival religions Islam and Catholicism. No release date has been set.
Competing Happy Beginnings Massage Parlor Opens Next Door To Michelle’s Salon & Spa
FOLLY BEACH, SC— Brand new massage parlor, Happy Beginnings, is making waves across the island with its radical, up front approach to the popular calming therapy.
“We promise that you’ll say it’s the best massage you’ve ever had 5 minutes into your hour or your money back,” guaranteed Jemimah Woods, founder and owner of the popular spot. “We’re just that confident of how we do things here. It‘s a great massage.”
Located next door to local favorite, Michelle’s Salon & Spa, Woods is convinced the two can successfully coexist.
“I love them over there, and what they do is great, too. What we offer is a different kind of massage, so that’s fine. What can ya say? Some people drink Coke…some Pepsi.”
Sounds like Happy Beginnings is poised for a long stay at the beach.
Tweet
