The Folly Fonion
By David Crawford
Local Man Diagnosed With A Phobia of Phobias
FOLLY BEACH, SC— An area Folly bartender was recently diagnosed with an irrational phobia of phobias. The man, who requested anonymity out of fear of seeing his name in the paper, barely made it to the doctor to obtain the diagnosis. A friend and fellow coworker tricked him into thinking they were going downtown to go drinking and buy V-neck t-shirts, which happen to be two of the only things he’s not afraid of.
“The doctor told me he’d never seen anything like it…that he found me to be scared of nearly everything, even the thought of being scared,” he said via text, his only form of communication with people not tipping him or buying him shots. “I fear fear.”
When asked to provide examples of this irrational behavior, he said he once screeched when seeing a moth and told friends he had a flying dinosaur in his house for weeks. He also said he’ll only watch true crime TV shows during daylight hours and refuses to ride his bike by himself after dusk.
Local Man Meets Bill Murray, Fulfils Dreams of Being 6 Degrees From Kevin Bacon
FOLLY BEACH, SC— The island found itself abuzz this past week as comedian and Charleston’s most famous resident, Bill Murray, led a pub crawl around the beach into the wee hours. Folly’s favorite village idiot, Alex Hunter, followed Mr. Murray from bar to bar until able to shake the actor’s hand.
“I’m pretty sure he knew I was following him…any time he’d see me looking at him he’d close his tab and move on,” said Hunter, often referred to as a ‘simpleton’ by those who know him best. “So I moved on and went to his next spot. Finally, at Surf Bar, I bought him a shot. He told me he didn’t want it because I bought it for him but that he’d take it anyway. We took the shot and I grabbed his hand and shook it before he could pull it back.”
Hunter further explained he didn’t care about meeting the Ghostbuster as much as being 6 degrees to Kevin Bacon.
“At that moment I’d finally done it…cross it off the bucket list, fellas. Hunter shakes Murray’s hand, who was in Groundhog Day with Andie McDowell, who starred alongside Michael Keaton in Multiplicity, whom Tim Burton directed in Batman before directed , of which who was part of the cast? You guessed it…Kevin Bacon!”
God Unveils Plans For Heaven’s Launch Of Steve Jobs
THE HEAVENS— God, Father to Christ and Almighty Creator of the Universe, announced to the congregation of all Angels and Saints today his plans for Heaven’s launch of Apple Founder and CEO, Steve Jobs. Long rumored amongst the Choir of Angels (though not so much amongst the Saints), God’s announcement puts to rest the long rumored information. Notoriously secretive in his human life on Earth, Jobs announced after years of health problems his plans to step down from his day to day operations at Apple.
“In doing that, Steve allowed us to start with phase 1 of his launch up here in Heaven, and boy, let me tell you…we are excited,” said an unusually ecstatic God.
Known for reinvigorating a dying company with innovative, culture-changing technology such as the iPod, the iPhone, and most recently, the iPad, one can only imagine what Mr. Jobs has in store for Heaven, a place with supposedly limitless possibilities.
“Of course I know what Steve is going to accomplish up here,” explained a more defensive God. “After all, I’m God.”
Folly Fantasy League Draft To Be Held This Weekend
FOLLY BEACH, SC— Move over Fantasy Football…a whole new fantasy game will be starting next week: The Folly Fantasy League. With the end of the busy season and the exit of mass tourism, local Folly Beachers are about to get their island back. In years past, this meant festivals once a month and that’s about it. To ramp things up this time around, the city announced that it will hold the first ever draft for the Folly Fantasy League, a game which will assemble teams to score points based on drunken accomplishments and escapades during the off season.
Get hit by a car? 25 points. Face plant on your mountain bike and break your nose? 10 points. Forget to pay your tab? 1 point. Remember to pay your tab? -1 point. In bed by midnight? -5 points. Etc.
Go to the Folly Beach Library this Sunday at noon to sign up for the draft. Players will be ranked based on past performance as well as future potential. Full sheets of how to score points will be provided at the draft. Stay tuned to the Folly Current in two weeks for the first set of standings.
Tweet
