The Folly Fonion
By David Crawford
Local Man Returns To Folly From Year Long Australian Adventure; Finds Nothing’s Changed
FOLLY BEACH, SC— An area man returned from a year long adventure through the islands of the South Pacific and found his home island of Folly Beach to be the exact same.
“Yeah, I left to experience life and live adventure, as I’d largely grown tired of the constant drinking I’d sunk into. But, after a year, I was ready for all the great things Folly has to offer. Thank God absolutely nothing has changed. It was quite nice to find this place to be stuck in a little time capsule,” said the man, who wished to remain anonymous.
“Outside of me not working at my job, the new deck at Loggerheads, and a few unwanted pregnancies I’ve heard about, everything and everybody is right about where they were when I left. You just can’t find that anymore. But who’s this Alex Hunter kid?”
Local Man Deemed Unfit To Donate Sperm
FOLLY BEACH, SC— Alex Hunter, an area resident of Folly Beach, has found himself in rough times lately after blowing a small nest-egg of savings in his lame duck attempt to hunt down an already deceased Osama Bin Laden.
“I mean, after bowling a ‘300’ on my cell phone and giving up abstinence for Lent, I was riding high…both literally and figuratively. I thought I’d save the country from our biggest super villain and blew all my money in the process,” said Hunter, referring to the $543 in cash formerly stored under the mattress in his bedroom.
“Jobless and depressed, I saw an add in the City Paper about making some extra cash for a little spooge. I decided to get up off my ass for a change and do a little work, if you know what I mean,” he said, chuckling while rocking his fist in a back and forth motion.
What happened next has become somewhat of a Folly urban legend over the past week. Doctors at the clinic denied Alex the opportunity to donate his sperm. Dr. Paul Jansen elaborated on their reasoning behind the decision.
“Well, he lied on the application for starters. He labeled himself as ‘Caucasian,’ when clearly he should be under ‘Other’ as there is no box for ‘Simpleton.’ We had a meeting in the back about the matter, a vote of sorts, and unanimously decided we’d be doing society a disservice by offering his sperm to an unknowing female. If she wanted that outcome she’d keep it in the family, if you know what I mean.”
City Council Sets Aside Funding For Large Sign
FOLLY BEACH, SC— City Councilmember Paul Hume released a statement today informing Folly citizens that the Council has set aside funding for a large sign similar to those you’d see at a bank, to be erected on Center St. The digital sign, to be placed outside the gas station, will list all vital information a Folly citizen may need. Included are time, temperature, date, and the times for high and low tide. Below this will be the following question: ‘Do you work today?’.
JFK ‘Assassination’ Ruled A Suicide
WASHINGTON, DC— Recently uncovered documents from the Warren Commission, a committee formed decades ago to compile all information regarding the assassination of President Kennedy, suggest that the ‘assassination’ was in fact never that but rather a suicide. Although it has been widely speculated in the past that JFK was killed by Lee Harvey Oswald in the Dallas book warehouse or a mysterious gunman on the grassy knoll across the street, conspiracy theorists everywhere are now accepting the possibility that the President actually pulled off the most elaborate suicide attempt of all time. The files, released this past Monday, explain that through the ‘magic bullet’ theory, JFK actually fired the gun himself. No elaboration on any reasons why he would do such a thing were included.
Only 1 Out Of 37 Hockey Players Pass Stringent Russian Toughness Test
YURASLAVL, RUSSIA— Russia’s hockey league recently held its annual ‘Toughness Test,’ a week-long series of competitions and challenges designed to weed out the weak they feel shouldn’t be ‘playing with the pros,’ as they say. The test, given to one team in the league prior to each season, ended in a disastrous plane crash for the founding Lokomotiv team. Only one player, forward Alexsander Galimov, passed the entire test, which ended with the plane crash.
The team apparently was under the false impression that the week-long test, which included challenges ranging from paper, rock, scissors to endurance tests like seeing how long one can go without peeing, was over when the pilot announced they’d all have to survive the impending crash as the surprise final task. In a sad twist of fate, only one player and one crew member lived.
Folly Current attempted to contact both the team and the league, neither of which could be reached for comment.
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