The Folly Fonion
By David Crawford
Local Oysterman Leaves Storage Machine In Marsh
FOLLY BEACH, SC— An area Folly oysterman abandoned his loot after being threatened by a gator, he says. Police found the car of a local oysterman hood-first in the mud of the marsh just off the bridge leading on and off Folly Beach. The man, who wished to remain anonymous, explained he always drives his Oyster Storage Machine off the bridge while going to collect a bounty of oysters at 3 in the morning. This time, however, he said he couldn’t get his storage car out of the marsh in time as he was chased off by rabid gators. Police searched the marsh and found nobody, but found the man sleeping at his house after running the plates on the Oyster Storage Machine. Police would’ve responded sooner, but had to run from the station to their vehicle parked at the edge of the bridge before driving the final half block to the scene of the ‘accident.’
Local Man Has Sex Change To Validate Week-Long Birthday Celebration
FOLLY BEACH, SC— Tired of being ridiculed island-wide for being the simpleton that he is, Alex Hunter decided to go all out when solving his most recent quandary. Noticing that most girls on the island celebrated their birthdays for an entire week, or until that day the following week, Hunter decided to join in on the elongated celebration.
“I deserve that, too, dammit. I had the idea after seeing Chaz Bono on Dancing With The Stars. Instead of taking the easy, ‘simpleton’ way out, I decided to prove everyone wrong, that I’m a go-getter when I really want something, and had the sex change,” she explained.
She also said she will not change her name, other than the fact that she will now be known as Ms. Alex Hunter. She further explained she looked forward to enjoying all the perks, such as it finally being socially acceptable to pee while sitting down and getting free drinks without walking out on your tab.
Joe Riley Insures Charleston Mayoral Seat Through Lloyds of London
CHARLESTON, SC— Sources from the BBC out of London are reporting today that longtime Mayor of Charleston, Joe Riley, is taking out an insurance policy on his Mayoral seat. The move is the first sign of weakness from the Riley camp in what has been a long, arduous campaign for his unprecedented 10th and, from what he says, final run. Usually staunch in his belief that he will win the election, this may suggest he’s not as confident as he may appear in public.
“You can’t argue with what this means,” an anonymous person close to Mr. Riley’s campaign said. “But that being said, you also can’t argue how smart Mr. Mayor is, as he’s created a win-win for himself. If he wins he wins and if he loses, well, now he’ll collect in that instance as well.”
Details of how much the policy will pay in the event of Mr. Riley’s loss, how much it cost, and whether or not that cost was in the yearly budget have not been released.
The purple one strikes again
Prince’s Jewish New Year Anthem ‘5772’ Celebrates 3rd Straight Week Atop Charts
NEW YORK CITY, NY— Who says the music industry can’t follow in Hollywood’s footsteps and remake its past glory? The artist formerly known as The Artist Formerly Known As Prince, Prince, did just that and has a #1 hit on his hands for the 3rd straight week with ‘5772’, a remake of his millennial anthem, ‘1999’. Having become popular at Bat Mitzvah’s and Rosh Hashanah parties all over the world with its refrain of ‘Party like its 5772’ sang over a pulsating dance theme, analysts are most surprised by its broad appeal amongst people of all faiths.
Unprepared Billll Murray Attends Skinful Dressed As Bob Wiley
JAMES ISLAND, SC— Charleston resident and comedy legend, Bill Murray, showed up to the Holy City’s biggest Halloween bash, Skinful, dressed as Bob Wiley, the character he played in his modest hit from 1991, ’What About Bob.’ An abnormally uncreative move from one of the most prolific comedic creative forces in the last four decades, all Mr. Murray had to do for his Halloween costume this year was wear khaki shorts and a baby blue ‘Don’t Hassle Me, I’m Local’ t-shirt.
“He told me he ran out of ideas this year, went to his chest of drawers and found the ‘What About Bob’ shirt,” said Chad Fisher, a local who attended the Skinful festivities. “I told him he should’ve at least worn a goldfish in a mason jar around his neck and he just stared at me. He looked pretty tired.”
Ironically, however, Mr. Murray warmed up to the crowd as he partied into the wee hours, even winning the evening’s costume contest.
God Condemns Anyone Blessing Sneezers In His Name As Heretics
CUPERTINO, CA— Apple Computers held a private memorial service for recently deceased Founder, CEO and Visionary, Steve Jobs. All employees at the Apple compound in Cupertino, CA convened for the 90-minute event, and Apple stores worldwide shut down so its employees could watch a live feed. Although no press attended the extremely secretive event, some employees sent tweets about the goings on. Here are a couple interesting tidbits from @SnAppleIPod:
“CEO Tim Cook just talked about Steve.”
“Norah Jones and Coldplay! BTW 1 more special guest! Wonder who it is???”
“God! The Almighty Creator just took the stage! Thanks Steve for all he did. Says Steve is fixing glitches in the iCloud! Go Steve!”
“God said He thinks its irrational, yet humanly imperfect behavior to assume he blesses everyone when they sneeze and to quit doing it.”
“Back to work!”
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