Best of The Fonion: Alex Hunter
By David Crawford
A friend of mine approached me back in March, knowing that I wrote fake satirical news articles (that’s not weird, right?). He told me about the Folly Current’s plan to run an April Fool’s Day edition in which all of the articles would be fake. Having earned my Creative Writing degree from the University of Kentucky, I used to write these short fake news articles as a warm up exercise and to make me laugh (see…not that weird). I’d written one years back, Local Man Bowls ’300’ On Cell Phone, that I wanted to use again here.
Around the same time, while bartending at a local establishment, a friend (customer) of mine had, over time, developed a serious issue with walking out on his bar tab. Never truly meaning to do it (so he says), a certain Alex Hunter would stroll in the following day with slouched shoulders, simultaneously looking equal parts apologetic and pathetic. This behavior repeated itself over many weeks, so I, both thinking it would be funny as well as knowing that a post-three-PBR Alex would feel Boozer‘s Remorse, asked him if I could use his name in an article I was writing. After some coaxing (English for Rumplemintz) and the promise that it wouldn’t actually be about him, he consented.
Unfortunately for Alex, the people at the paper found it funny and offered me the opportunity to do it every week, should I want to. Most of the fake articles in that April Fool’s Day edition approached the writing with a prank-style, trying to trick the reader into believing that what they were reading was true (‘No Drinking On Beach‘ etc…). I simply wanted to make people laugh and thought it’d be fun to do more.
Knowing I would want to write a ‘Local Man…’ story each time around, I asked Alex if he cared if I continued to use his name. I explained that building up this collection of outlandish stories about him could prove to be funny and, hey, maybe even get him laid (I kid, I kid…sort of). The agreement was that the next headline would be the only one even halfway truthful and the rest would be off the wall. That headline, Local Man Gives Up Abstinence, Unpaid Bar Tabs For Lent, made Alex laugh, so he agreed.
The thing really has taken on a life of its own since then, from the paper making me obtain Alex’s permission to guard against a possible future defamation of character lawsuit to Alex telling all his family where they can read these embarrassing stories online to Councilman Paul Hume christening his leg lamp float with a sign that read ‘Looking For Alex Hunter’.
Alex really went on a journey as well, from trying to hunt down an already deceased Bin Laden to most recently having a sex change. This is the one that truly ruffled the real Alex’s feathers, stating that no matter what, he just wanted his likeness in the paper to “be a dude.” Assuring him that she would become a man again, I explained that, just like the Bin Laden thing, the arc will only last a few stories. But for the time being his tab name in the bar’s computer remains ’Ms. Alex Hunter.’ Oddly enough, though, she pays her tabs.
I only wish I could throw a couple of true stories about Alex in there to see if anyone could tell the difference, but I promised that I wouldn’t. Rest assured, Alex, unless the article involves you dressed in a life size tater tot costume in front of elementary school students, it is fake.
So enjoy the finest moments thus far of the always -volving Alex Hunter epic, though the best is yet to come. Maybe one day we’ll even make t-shirts or a book…let me ask her, just to see what she thinks.
Local Man Gives Up Abstinence, Unpaid Bar Tabs For Lent
FOLLY BEACH, SC— Local simpleton Alex Hunter, famous for bowling a perfect ‘300’ on his cell phone last month at the Sand Dollar Social Club, decided last to better his life by participating in Lent, a 40-day period of reflection marked by prayer, repentance, and self denial. He came to the conclusion after suffering endless amounts of ridicule from both friends and strangers alike for his outstanding debts and lack of effort toward female companionship.
“It got to the point that, no matter where I went, whether it be the Surf Bar or just walking my dog down the beach, that people would yell obscenities at me,” Hunter said. “Even strangers. So, I evaluated my life and narrowed it down to two things that may make for a more complete ‘Alex Hunter’: getting laid and paying my bar tabs. Some people tell me they go hand in hand. We’ll see how it works out.”
Local Man Sets Sail to Hunt Down Bin Laden
FOLLY BEACH, SC— Local village idiot Alex Hunter, recently ridiculed far and wide for his Letter to the Editor dealing with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s love child, has not dealt with said criticism in the healthiest of fashions. Hunter decided to embark on a sailing trip to hunt down recently-assassinated terrorist Osama Bin Laden after hearing of his sea burial.
“I found myself sittin’ at home, nothing to do but read hate mail in response to my letter to the paper, and saw on the news about Bin Laden going back to sea,” he said, pronouncing the name as ‘Bin Lay-den’. “I knew then what I had to do, so I loaded up my little Hobie Cat with a couple bottles of water, a handle of Fleischmann’s, my cell phone bowling game, some Spam, and this assault rifle. I’m gonna hunt that bastard down…you watch.”
Local Man Finally Reaches Horizon, Finds New Horizon
ATLANTIC OCEAN—Area Folly simpleton, Alex Hunter, recently heard about Bin Laden returning to sea and set sail to hunt him down. An anonymous contributor found the following note, written in crayon on construction paper, in an empty bottle of Fleischmann’s vodka in the rocks at the washout 27 days later:
“No idea how long I’ve been out here…still no signs of Bin Laden. Set my sights on the horizon ahead, figuring he may be hiding just over it. Took me over a week to get there but I finally reached it. Didn’t find Osama there…found a new horizon off in the distance. Heading there now. Will report back after I finish the next bottle of vodka.”
Locals Decide ‘Missing Man’ Not Actually ‘Missing’ If No One Really Misses Him
FOLLY BEACH, SC— A poll conducted over the 4th of July weekend of area Folly Beach citizens showed that a stunning 82% say a ‘missing man’ is not a ‘missing man’ if nobody actually misses him. Started as a study to see what locals felt about area simpleton, Alex Hunter, setting sail to hunt down Bin Laden over a month and a half ago, the poll results seem to have called into question what it means to really be ‘missing.’ City Council announced all milk carton and telephone pole ads using Mr. Hunter’s likeness inquiring of his whereabouts to be removed immediately.
Even those few close to Hunter seem to corroborate the study’s findings. When asked via email correspondence whether or not he thinks Alex should be considered a ‘missing man,’ Andrew Krazny, longtime friend and roommate of Mr. Hunter, replied with the following: ‘Alex left?’
Local Man Meets Bill Murray, Fulfils Dreams of Being 6 Degrees From Kevin Bacon
FOLLY BEACH, SC— The island found itself abuzz this past week as comedian and Charleston’s most famous resident, Bill Murray, led a pub crawl around the beach into the wee hours. Folly’s favorite village idiot, Alex Hunter, followed Mr. Murray from bar to bar until able to shake the actor’s hand.
“I’m pretty sure he knew I was following him…any time he’d see me looking at him he’d close his tab and move on,” said Hunter, often referred to as a ‘simpleton’ by those who know him best. “So I moved on and went to his next spot. Finally, at Surf Bar, I bought him a shot. He told me he didn’t want it because I bought it for him but that he’d take it anyway. We took the shot and I grabbed his hand and shook it before he could pull it back.”
Hunter further explained he didn’t care about meeting the Ghostbuster as much as being 6 degrees to Kevin Bacon.
“At that moment I’d finally done it…cross it off the bucket list, fellas. Hunter shakes Murray’s hand, who was in Groundhog Day with Andie McDowell, who starred alongside Michael Keaton in Multiplicity, whom voiced Ken the Doll in Toy Story 3 alongside Tom Hanks, aka Jim Lovell in Apollo 13, of which who was part of the cast? You guessed it…Kevin Bacon!”
Local Man Deemed Unfit To Donate Sperm
FOLLY BEACH, SC— Alex Hunter, an area resident of Folly Beach, has found himself in rough times lately after blowing a small nest-egg of savings in his lame duck attempt to hunt down an already deceased Osama Bin Laden.
“I mean, after bowling a ‘300’ on my cell phone and giving up abstinence for Lent, I was riding high…both literally and figuratively. I thought I’d save the country from our biggest super villain and blew all my money in the process,” said Hunter, referring to the $543 in cash formerly stored under the mattress in his bedroom.
“Jobless and depressed, I saw an add in the City Paper about making some extra cash for a little spooge. I decided to get up off my ass for a change and do a little work, if you know what I mean,” he said, chuckling while rocking his fist in a back and forth motion.
What happened next has become somewhat of a Folly urban legend over the past week. Doctors at the clinic denied Alex the opportunity to donate his sperm. Dr. Paul Jansen elaborated on their reasoning behind the decision.
“Well, he lied on the application for starters. He labeled himself as ‘Caucasian,’ when clearly he should be under ‘Other’ as there is no box for ‘Simpleton.’ We had a meeting in the back about the matter, a vote of sorts, and unanimously decided we’d be doing society a disservice by offering his sperm to an unknowing female. If she wanted that outcome she’d keep it in the family, if you know what I mean.”
Local Man Has Sex Change To Validate Week-Long Birthday Celebration
FOLLY BEACH, SC— Tired of being ridiculed island-wide for being the simpleton that he is, Alex Hunter decided to go all out when solving his most recent quandary. Noticing that most girls on the island celebrated their birthdays for an entire week, or until that day the following week, Hunter decided to join in on the elongated celebration.
“I deserve that, too, dammit. I had the idea after seeing Chaz Bono on Dancing With The Stars. Instead of taking the easy, ‘simpleton’ way out, I decided to prove everyone wrong, that I’m a go-getter when I really want something, and had the sex change,” she explained.
She also said she will not change her name, other than the fact that she will now be known as Ms. Alex Hunter. She further explained she looked forward to enjoying all the perks, such as it finally being socially acceptable to pee while sitting down and getting free drinks without walking out on your tab.
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